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what if... when am gone and mum's alone at home and she falls ill? whos gonna take care of her? what if... when am gone and dad wakes up and have no one to go lunch with? what if... when am gone and my parents were to argue? whos gonna break them up? what if... when am gone and my mum needs help to shift stuff? what if... when am gone and my dad needs help in understanding those letters that comes to him all in english? what if... the door bell's not working again? whos gonna go up there to change e batteries? what if... i go over there and i can catch up with my studies? what if... i got over there and cant find a suitable accoms? what if... i found myself not liking the place am studying in? what if... i go over there and realise that i cant adapt to the new envrionment? i think i think too much. i really do. maybe am a pessimist. but i have always known myself as an optimist. why am i thinking so much? and honestly being a only child doesnt help at all. ive got no one to rely on to look after my parents. the closest i can find are probably jason and aunt jess. who arent exactly e most free people around. i guess my parents do not need ppl looking after them afterall. believe me. this may sound absurd to some of you. it is always e kids worry on our parents. or maybe it only applies to e only childs out there. or maybe it only applies to me. having many sleepless nights nowadays. cant bring myself to sleep knowing that by the time i wake up...its another day. i HATE that feeling. i DREAD that feeling. knowing that its one day less. and its one day nearer to flying off. or maybe if you are a super optimistic person...i am one day nearer to coming back in nov. now am being reminded of a U2 song. all that you can't leave behind. sighz. i really cant. i dun get it.everyone is like saying am so lucky can go overseas and study...am i really lucky? arent YOU luckier getting a place in local uni...and being able to call and meet your family friends love ones anytime you want? its always easier to say. when u are not in e position. ppl going around yakking..its a good experience...and all e freedom...bah. i will exchange it with you right now. you give me your local space and i will exchange it with you. maybe am just plain stupid. stupid not to be able to make it to local uni. but how can it be when someone with a lower avg and lower SAT score than me make it in? i dun get it. but i get the point theres no point crying over spilt milk. unless of course u get one of those OSIM vacuum suckers to suck it all up and drink from it. why am i feeling so miserable? maybe am just making myself feel miserable. just be hairpee and look foward to flying...on e plane..living alone..studying..no ones gonna pester you on your whereabout, what time u be back.... but I CAN'T. to all my friends out there who actually read this, which is less than e number of fingers i have on my right hand, and yes i have a normal right hand with 5 fingers, please treasure them and never never take them for granted. not your fingers doh. your parents. sleepless nights. actually had no feeling on typing this blog at all. no mood to do ANYTHING actually. just felt like this is probably a channel for me to express it out and not keep it inside. was bathing. yes bathing. and thinking. and yes my brain is still working and thinking. at least am not like you bathing and singing. was thinking. on who to write to before i fly. definitely my parents. and perhaps my mums boss who is like my sponsor for my studies. and prob e closest cousin and my aunt. hey did i just typed all this up there in e first paragraph? a bit of deja vu just set in. every meal i have with my parents now is so damn precious. just the 3 of us. cos i noe that it will be another 11 mths time before i can have it again. maybe am too sticky. maybe am too immature. maybe i depend on them too much. maybe am too spoilt. whatever. i dun care. i only got 33 days left before flying. gonna treasure every moment with my parents. i hate the nights. it means another day is gone. it means its silent. it means theres no good show on tv. it means i think. and i think. and i think. and i think. and i think. and i think. i dun wanna sleep....for it means another day gone when i wake up.... god bless all you out there...and maybe god be with you thru your days... desmond scribbled at 2:56 AM. | |
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